Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

A friend just asked me if she should let her 12-year-old son go see “Indiana Jones.” Yes, I told her, definitely. And then it occurred to me — 12 is pretty much the perfect age for this movie. Twelve-year-olds love things like man-eating ants and homicidal monkeys and Mayan ruins built by aliens. And they won’t mind, or maybe even notice, the inconsistencies in the plot, the thin characters, or just how ridiculous the whole thing is.  Stephen Spielberg virtually invented the summer blockbuster, and maybe he did so with prepubescent boys in mind.    Summer is their season, and thank God, because there’s not much else for them out there. They’re too old for Disney/Pixar G-rated stuff, and too young for the sophomoric sex comedies and campy horror flicks aimed at teenagers. “Indiana Jones” is a 12-year-old’s perfect movie. We should all regress to that age when we go to see it.

A 12-year-old won’t mind the second-rate script. It’s been reported that Spielberg and Lucas have always intended to make a fourth Indy flick, but delayed for so long because they couldn’t find the right script. That they chose this script may signal despair more than excitement. I don’t want to give away any of the juicy surprises (though you’ll see them coming miles away) but it sort of reads like fan fiction: Not only does Indiana Jones seem awfully aware that he’s a big deal, but it’s full of answers to the typical fanboy questions: What if Marion came back? What if she and Indy….? What if….? And so on. It’s not so much a script as the consummation of fantasies. And then there’s the whole alien/Mayan thing. Well, there had to be some reason for action.

It’s the action that makes it enjoyable. It was always the action in this series, and Spielberg’s breathtaking, exhilarating, wonder-inducing way of handling it. “Crystal Skull” starts, as Indy movies always do, in media res – right in the middle of an adventure that has little or nothing to do with the central storyline. And the action sequence in the first twenty minutes is the best one in the movie, full of tight moments, great humor, and incredible explosions. Thrills, chills, spills. But quickly “Crystal Skull” begins to parallel our aging hero – starting fast, but tiring quickly. It bogs down, finds a second wind, loses it, succumbs to dementia, and then kicks the bucket altogether.

On the other hand, can a prepubescent teen really relate to a hero that is old enough to collect Social Security checks and eat off the Senior’s menu at Denny’s? At 65, Harrison Ford plays Indiana Jones with a strange detachment that’s never been there before. Jones feels something like a lion tamer — putting on the dangerous show, but acutely aware that he’s not really in any danger, and a little bored with the show anyway. I guess if you get out of as many scrapes as Jones has, yet another sadistic Russian with a bad haircut is really no big deal. Still, it takes away from our hero. He was much more convincing in Raiders, spitting “It belongs in a museum!” between gritted teeth, than he is here, rescuing his true love from certain death.

His supporting cast doesn’t help much. I like Shia LeBouf, but casting him as a switchblade-toting, motorcycle-riding tough guy is just too against the grain to handle. He’s like a young Jimmy Stewart; he doesn’t have a tough bone in this body, and it’s painful to watch him try to fake it. Ray Winstone, who can be great, is awful as Mac, who might be Indy’s friend, or might be his enemy, or might be his friend, or… who cares? And Spielberg’s “genius” move — bringing back Karen Allen as Marion Ravewood — is…awkward at best. To be a leading lady in your 50’s, you have to age incredibly well, like Meryl Streep, Michelle Pfieffer, or Glenn Close have. Karen Allen has aged normally. It’s a bit of a shock. Even Cait Blanchett, as the beautiful villainess, doesn’t even approach the creepiness of the best Indiana Jones bad guys (remember Ronald Lacey as Toht in “Raiders?” that dude was creepy) mostly because you can’t understand what the hell it is she’s after. Knowledge? Really? Don’t they have books in Russia?

And yet… it’s still a fun movie, a great, if goofy, ridiculous and illogical, ride. It’s not the best Indiana Jones movie – far from it – but it’s not the worst, either (I could easily list ten reasons it’s better than “Temple of Doom.”) But as far as summer evening entertainment goes, it delivers. Go see it. If you can, take a 12 year old with you. Just don’t go see it twice.

Recommended

• to fans of summer movies – ridiculous action, funny action, silly plots, leather jackets, glowing skulls, etc.
• to every 12-year old boy – and tomboy – in America.
• to Indiana Jones fanboys. All your wildest dreams are about to come true.

Not Recommended

• if the last action flick you saw was a Bourne movie.
• if you think you’ll laugh, and not with joy, at the sight of a fencing duel fought on the back of two racing jeeps.
• if logic is your best friend.